Tag Archives: holidays

Today is November 27, 2017. I am alive and well.

Like usual, I have no idea what I’m going to write on this blog. Of course, I hope you all had a fabulous Thanksgiving. I love the holidays and don’t experience them as stressful. But then I don’t cook and the only gift I buy is for my roommate.

I have thought much about my sister who’s a crystal meth addict and homeless. I actually dreamt of her last night. In the dream she was showing me her teeth, of which she only had a few, and the sores on the inside of her cheek. She told me that the infection from her sores would ultimately spread to her jaw and then follow her bone to her ear, making her deaf in that one ear. I asked my sister what meth did for her. Her response, “I’m rocketed to a new dimension, much like what happens to people of faith visiting with God. It is thrilling. My trip is thrilling.” That was the end of the dream.

I haven’t given up on my sister. I know the truth currently is that my sister has no desire to give up meth. I found a place where she could live for free for a year and they would provide for her all her meals. All she has to do is give up the drugs and get sober. She said no. She is three years younger than I am, 50-years-old, and I would guess that she has been using drugs for over 25 years.

With sobriety, I am safe. I am a sober drunk, 24 years sober,  with a healthy fear of drugs. My drug use amounts to me trying marijuana once. It left me paranoid and rocking in the corner of a room. Thirty years ago, this same sister told me I just smoked it wrong. Ha. How does a person smoke it right or wrong?

I am completely aware of the fact that I could be her. I don’t know why I was led to sobriety and she wasn’t. Out of desperation, I latched on to a program of recovery. I’m certain my sister has felt desperation at some point. I’m certain she suffers. Neither of these two things have brought her to her knees.

I will be warm this holiday season. I will eat good food. I will be physically clean. I will surround myself with people I love and who love me. Life is good.

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Today is December 17, 2014. I am alive and well.

Before I begin, I want to say happy Chanukah to all those that celebrate this holiday.

As a young girl, I use to climb trees and dream that I was orphaned and being raised by monkeys. A thick branch of tree held my small body. The tree was in the front yard of my Grandparent’s home. Grass coated the lawn. I watched my sisters play in a side bar of the lawn that was muddy. They were making dishes. Shape the mud and let it dry. Viola, you have a bowl. I had no desire to play with them.

The craving of alone-ness would follow me into adulthood. My friends understand that I have to drift away from conversation and coffees to spend time alone in my room for hours with Grams and Annie my only company.

During this time, I read, write, and dream. I will admit that some of my dreams are of posterity. It is tiring to live paycheck by paycheck. I was in Macy’s the other day, and got depressed. Not being able to shop is like a cat wanting catnip from a ball that has no holes; the best they can do is bat it around and wish. The most I can do is try on clothes, admire them,wish, then return the shirts to the hangers from which they came.

I just spent all the money I was going to spend on Andrew, my new beau, on Annie. Annie had an upper respiratory infection. Cat visit plus $66 for the antibiotic. I nearly sat down and tapped the floor as if summoning a genie with a pocket full of gold. Chanukah is here. I am armed with a card for Andrew. I give him time, which I hope is a gift.

Happy holidays to all. May the New Year bring everything you dreamed of creating or having.