Tag Archives: joy

Today is June 22, 2015. I am alive and well.

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I am an alcoholic. My natural state is one of drunkenness, yet I’m sober 21 years. I have schizophrenia. My natural state is one of psychosis, yet I’ve been hospital free for eight years. How do these miracles happen? I allow a spiritual God in my life and take right action.

God is everywhere outside and in our personhood. I can know myself deeply and get beyond self. Self is connected to all. Self is connected to God. The more aware I am, the stronger my source of instinct and intuition. Think of the notes of a symphony. Think of trees and leaves.

God will not do for me what I can do for myself, but God will do for me what I can’t. God lifted me from my natural states of being. Today I live a joyous life.

I’ve heard it said that I need not apologize for my God. I hope that you who follow my blog aren’t put off by my faith and belief in divine intervention. The artist William Blake called what he believed in as cosmic imagination. I like this. I am free to contemplate a life filled with cosmic imagination. With this contemplation comes a belief that I call shall not want. Eventually, I get to this point.

I want a house with a fenced in yard and doggie door complete with dogs. I wish I could follow my ex and spend time with his grandchildren. They call me Auntie Kristina. I hope they don’t forget me.

My desire for things may not pass, but I will acknowledge today that I want for nothing. I have everything I need today to have a joyous life filled with purpose and meaning.

Grams and Annie, my cats, sleep on me as I write this from my bed. When I brought them home from the Humane Society, I thought they were feral. I thought they would have nothing to do with me. How wrong I was. Grams, the neediest, often pesters me for pets and needs my full attention. She bats at my hand when I hold the phone, a book, or a pen.

Cats are of God. I actually believe they are psychic. They know when dead family members and friends enter the room. I take comfort in this like I do while eating a pint of Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked ice cream.

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Today is December 7, 2014. I am alive and well.

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My poetry and experimental writing doesn’t go over too well. It’s safer to say “I ate a bowl of soup flavored with garlic. The garlic overwhelmed the smell of burnt toast; the toast something I was going to dip in the soup. The warmth of the soup burnishing my cheeks with its heat livens me.”

I love to be livened. I love to live in joy. Pat recently asked me what brings me joy. First to mind, I said “my kittens, Grams and Annie.” After that, I was stumped. I feel like I live in joy a great deal of the time. It’s an electricity that begins in my toes, pulses up my body and exits my mouth as I breath out. Breathing in fuels the electricity, so the loop through my body begins again.

So what brings joy to my life? My friends do. I have an outstanding drop of friends who cover the entire socio-economic spectrum, who are all amazed by life, who all are empowered by love and deep spiritual beliefs. They bring me joy. Hot water in the shower, a piece of red velvet cake, wind behind my ears, fit sleep, a soft shirt, shaved legs, coffee with creme brûlée and sweet n low, thick socks, clean laundry, a place to sleep, lotion covering my body, and clean hair. All these things bring me joy.

Today is August 13, 2014. I am alive and well.

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I’m tired of writing about Guy. The ink in my pen gets stuck when I get to the “Y” of his name. He is a past lover who could not stay faithful like skipping from one cereal box to the next, never finding just that sought after combination of wheat and sugar.

I am actually enjoying my single hood right now. My time is my own. I get to go out with whomever I want for coffee or a meal. I’m not lonely because I have writing and reading. My two kittens, Grams and Annie, keep me in hysterics. They’re sisters and they truly love each other. They play together al the time. They sleep wrapped around each other. I’m glad that they didn’t get split up at the Humane Society, and that I brought them home, together, even though they’ve taken to batting at my face in the middle of the night.

It’s peaceful in my house. Quiet. I no longer feel like I’m moving through thick air. I feel lighter, like a purse that has been emptied of all its change. I never knew I could be this strong alone. I am the horse without the saddle. My head is high in my six-feetness. I see what’s ahead of me in the next minute, and it is good. Breathe in, breathe out, and love.

Today is June 26, 2014. Despite things, I am alive and well.

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I have a broken heart. I don’t know how to write about it, but thought I would try. I don’t want to come off sounding like a victim, or as someone filled with self pity. Guy has been gone two months for work. He told me a couple of days ago that he wanted to start over in California with a new job and a new woman. He told me was never coming back to Arizona.

It’s amazing to me that he doesn’t want his stuff, to include all his clothes. He said he doesn’t have the courage to face me. Yes, he broke up with me over the telephone. We had been together for thirteen years, not counting the other two times he left me for another woman. You would think I would have learned.

I loved him with all of me. He has taught me that I am very capable of loving another human being. All this sounds trite, but I really do mean it. I think love is as powerful as grief. I have many people in my life to love. I am capable of experiencing grief and not getting mentally sick over it. This will be my first time I have suffered grief and not wound up in a psychiatric hospital.

Air is a thing of beauty. I breathe deeply. The sun is not blinding; I can see quite clearly. The day will bot be lost to me crying in a corner of my condo. I will be joyous today. Unlike years ago, I am addicted to life. I want to show up for what happens next. Give me a dollar and I’ll hand you a hundred pennies. Each penny is someone I love or someone I haven’t met yet to love. The weight of them is magnificent. Tiny pebbles are easily found in the landscape outside my door. I feel the weight of them also. It is good to have both feet on the ground heading north toward my car in which I will drive to work, grateful to have a job that I love and colleagues who radiate.