Tag Archives: gratitude

Today is May 2, 2015. I am alive and well.

I had a schizophrenic moment today. Yesterday, I put in new air filters. Today, I wondered if I put them in the right airflow direction, thinking that I didn’t and that I was breathing polluted air. Today, I thought because I had to jam them in that they are set to high and will catch on fire. I called Scottie for reassurance that all was well. I am somewhat reassured.

Paranoid, obsessive thinking is like gravel against the eardrum with a cockroach tucked in making a bed for himself. It is like a scratch on a CD of Green Day replaying the same “Fuck” while my car is stuck in the middle of a car wash, the thick ropey things surrounding all four sides so I can’t see out. It is thinking over and over again that one of my cats is going to get stuck outside in a hailstorm. My cats are indoor cats and I live in Arizona.

Most of the time I am free from obsessive thinking, so when it is happening it is five times as worse as it could be because it is so unfamiliar. Thank God when it slides out the side of my mouth and disappears in the  ether.

Paranoia is paralyzing. To date, I have been able to leave my house and enter the world for sometime. I don’t take entering the world for granted. I feel I am blessed every time I do. There are so-so days. And there are the glorious days. So-so when I swim through the tasks I have, leaving a tray of bubbles to pop behind me. Glorious are the days when the love I have for people and the love they have for me consistently causes small, silent eruptions; a Gerber Daisy pushed form the earth, tulips pushed from the earth.

Maybe you have noticed in some of my blogs I throw a word in that doesn’t quite make sense but the word sounds right. I think sound drives writing 25% of the time. With that, I’ll spring up, comforted by the fact that my bed is unmade and I can roll right in, covers up to my chin.

Today is May 18, 2014. I am alive and well.

I want my inner self to be a souped up engine in a black Sting Ray Correvette. I also want my inner self to be a wisp of cotton caught on the arm of a reaching cactus. The day is loud. The day is quiet. I want them both. Even the middle of the two will bless me with time well spent.

I spent time today on my hands and knees scrubbing my tile floors. Spic and Span works wonders. My inner self was pleased with the motion of my body. Just as my inner self was pleased with the motion of my body this morning at the gym–cardio on the cardio machine (I can’t remember what this machine is called) and weight lifting. The outer self connects with the inner self and together they sing arias.

I feel fortunate that I have all of my limbs…both arms, both legs, all my toes and fingers. And I can see and hear and talk and write. One day I was moaning abut the mile walk I had from my parked car to campus. Then I came upon a young man missing one leg and using a crutch. He too was walking the mile. I’m certain he could have asked for a handicap sticker that would enable him to have less of a walk. From that day forward, I didn’t complain about the walk. God is good to me and allows me to witness the drive of the human spirit.