Tag Archives: anxiety

Today is June 6, 2015. I am alive and well.

The following is an excerpt from my second book. I still have yet to come up with a title. The danger of posting from my book is that I could do a repeat post because I don’t keep very good track of things. Hopefully, this is not the case. Annie, one of my cats, is tiptoeing around the key board. This always makes me nervous. Both Grams and Annie always seem to want my attention when I’m working on the computer. It does make me happy, though, that they want my attention. They are not very aloof and like to give me kisses.

Excerpt–

Being alone is not lonely. I actually don’t have enough time by myself. Things pop up like that pop up game at the carnival where the point is to hit the pop up quickly before another pop up makes itself known.

I want to sit here writing this, but must leave for the grocery store soon. I am hungry and in need of food. And then there is toilet paper, paper towels, and laundry detergent to buy. I hate having to buy these things. i romanticize mom being here to buy these things for me. Back in the day. Ha.

Being responsible for myself has been like shining my black boots before they crack. It is a desire to take my medications properly. I am amazed that my brain has been following my wishes and that I even have the wish to stay sane. Hospitals comforted me at times. The stress of daily life was not a part of the psychiatric unit.

In considering the stress of daily life, I find myself immune to it most days. I am a willow, God resting in my limbs. I know my anatomical body can no longer grow. Height is not something I covet physically, but is something I covet spiritually.

I have a great deal to learn about God, or maybe I have nothing left to learn about God. The thing I know best is God is.

I still have times where I quiver with anxiety. A bad pitch can cause a home run. A lesson learned can elevate my spirit. A swimmer lagging 10 yards behind can suddenly be given a burst of every, out touching her competitors. To quiver with anxiety feels impossible to control. I feel blinded from light, but am able to peacefully center myself in darkness like a four-year-old watching a three-D movie who later leaves the dark theater with her glasses on because she believes her eyes are expensive and the glasses help protect them. Sight can be costly. Sight is always followed by bliss. This I have learned.

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Today is February 24, 1014. I am alive and well despite challenges.

The good thing about being sober and in recovery from my schizophrenia is that things change. The little energizer bunny is no longer running laps around my mind. In fact, he didn’t even finish a marathon, just a couple of miles that took an hour or so. 

I still hear voices which isn’t a big deal to me because mostly they are just a hum, or garbled, acting like a dog in heat who chases her tail and then lays quiet when there is no partner to find.

This morning, I managed to drag my happy ass to the gym. Quite the feat. I often wrestle with should I write when first up, or should I walk on the treadmill at the gym first. The treadmill usual wins out, especially if I know when I get home that I will have several hours to write and read, and yes my work practices as a writer includes reading; I simply try not to use reading as a form of procrastinating. Admittedly, I have avoided the terror involved in starting writing by procrastinating. But the procrastination is anxiety building, so I forge on writing sentence after sentence in a slow rumba, allowing the fear to silently leave me without protest. I seek the zone, and find it. It is glorious.

Today is February 21, 2014. I am alive and not feeling well.

I’m having anxiety that just won’t quit; the little Energizer bunny is making tracks around my brain. Maybe you are too young to remember the Energizer bunny. Is the bunny still around? I feel totally disembodied from my body. The voices say, now you are typing, and so I am. I watch my fingers press the keys, but I don’t feel home. I don’t feel grounded. I am just watching my body do things and listening to the voices report this to me. It is not a good feeling. But then there is deep breathing. This helps me.

On an upside, my friends are writing me of their spiritual practices. I didn’t think my friends could amaze me any more, but they do, they so do amaze me! It feels good in the world to have them in it.

Thanks for your readership.

Today is June 1, 2013. I am alive and well.

My anxiety is a little mouse doing laps on his wheel, his reflection on the clear plastic of his cage multiplying the singular. I worry; I seek God before I worry. Sometimes seeking God is enough to wash away my worry. But not always. I don’t really know why I am stressed over my book being launched in August. I am both terrified and exhilarated at the same time. I must say, though, exhilaration wins out!

Today is June 1, 2013. I am alive and well.