Tag Archives: perception

Today is October 28, 2014. I am alive and well.

excerpt from my memoir in progress

My character in the story “A Meditation on Panty Hose” speaks to perceptions being not what they are. Perceptions shape our experience of things. My perception camera was broken for many years.

My broken camera accelerated my alcoholism. I believed when drunk, I was really sure footed although I was falling all over myself. I believed when drunk, that I was artistically brilliant even though I could not decipher my scribbling from the afternoon or evening before. When drunk, I was more social. When drunk, people tried to avoid me because I was stumbling all over myself with words that made no sense. When drunk, the world was right even when I came to on the bathroom floor of a bar having passed out and puked all over myself. I was beautiful; just misunderstood.

When sober without a 12 step program, I was terrified of everything. I knew people were talking about me behind my back, even strangers. I knew snot was hanging from my nose. I knew the government would come knocking on my door. I was important; I was a nobody. It was impossible for me to differentiate the false from the truth. Both my alcoholism and my schizophrenia kept me from seeing the truth for years.

Today, truth matters to me. If I have a problem standing in the truth, I reach out to friends who provide me with strong legs and broad shoulders. I have no need to be sheltered from the truth today. The truth will always set me soaring.

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Today is April, 29, 2014. I am alive and well.

I am the only living, breathing presence in my home. Guy and the two little dogs are in Venice Beach, California. It feels quite strange; a frame that has lost its picture of a moon settling low in the sky. There is a pocket of lift to see by, but the pocket is diminished. Only a still mind seeking the present will carry a person through to the next morning of brilliant light.

All things considered, I am faring well. It has been a long time since I’ve lived alone. I am living alone for a month. I am five days into the month and it won’t surprise me if Guy stays longer. He will be there as long as work keeps him there.

So today, as a woman alone in her home, I will seek comfort from the blue walls that surround me and the ever present feeling of Spirit. The truth is that I am only alone as I want to be. I can either set aside time to meet a friend or more importantly, marvel in the sense that all is right with my life. A bird just hit the window outside my study and bounced off. I too, can be that resilient. There are many ways to be in the world–four quarters make a dollar as does one hundred pennies, ten dimes, or twenty nickels. Currently, I am the paper dollar–a little frayed around the edges but still capable of buying two chocolate eggs.