Tag Archives: peace

Today is July 24, 2015. I am alive and well.

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A room without books is like a body without soul.     Cicero

I have books everywhere, mostly because I ran out of shelf space. I also have no more room for knick knacks, Both curb my spending. The knick knacks I have were given to me by thoughtful friends. I remember being ten and having my nine-year-old sister give me something she made in ceramics class. I didn’t like what she had made, so I hid it behind a doll with wide skirts. She entered my room and couldn’t see her ceramic thing. She got so upset. I felt so bad that I elevated her thing to the best place to rest an item. I awoke every morning and would hold it in my hands, imagining it gave off heat. I haven’t described it yet because I never knew that it was. It simply looked like a lump of crimson, four inches in width and about six inches tall.

Is it possible to live without soul? It is possible to live without books. I have met people devoid of soul, or rather I should say that their soul was so deeply buried I couldn’t recognize it in their eyes. The soul is like white lined butted up against green cotton shirts in the laundry basket, freshly out of the dryer and still warm. The soul encapsulates the mind/heart connection. The mind’s eyes notices a woman trying to put groceries in the car while holding onto a toddler. One of the bags breaks and hotdogs, danish, milk and apples fall out of the bag onto the pavement. The heart acts in accordance to the mind and approaches the woman, offering to help. The soul glows when the woman accepts.

The soul is magic, the soul is cosmic imagination that appears real when associated with God’s grace. I wish I lived from my soul all the time. I have moments when I trip over bricks. The bricks remind me that I don’t always know which way to walk, which fence to climb, or whose trampoline to jump on. I continue to make the effort to live in love and compassion. My life is really rich because of this. Book in hand, I retire to my couch. It’s peaceful. I’m as content as a cat with a clean litter box.

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Today is January 9, 2015. I am alive and well.

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How intimate do I want to be with God? Answer, very. I want to trust that all that is placed in my path is meant to bring me back to the front door. I want to know that after going left for several days, I will go right again.

There are many kinds of bushes. Some are simply more familiar to me in the desert. They require little water. I, on the other hand, require much water. My cup runneth over all the time. The water slaps at the side of my glass. I drink heartily from the tap. It is not just bottled water that I drink.

Religion does have its place. It brings many people to God. It brings many people to faith. Many like the choir singing “Amazing Grace.” I would mention another hymn, but I don’t know of any. I don’t know of religion. I am without a church. This is neither good nor bad.

I feel free of buildings. Walls cannot contain me. The breeze is crisp like a leaf of refrigerated lettuce.

There are many stones to hold in my palm. The weight of them is heavier than a hundred dollar bill. I may want for money, but somehow the bills are always paid with enough left over to buy an ice cream sundae.

I love God. I love the hats that God wears, and that if I put on two different socks, God still smiles at me. There is room in my heart for miracles, mine and the person who stands beside me at the bus stop.

Today, it is a miracle that I’m not stashed away in some psychiatric hospital. It is a miracle that I’m not drunk and begging at the corner, liquor slopped down the face of my shirt.

I rest today knowing there are daisies. The colored kind, not just white with a yellow centers. I am exposed to all kinds of moons. And the sun, although it stays the same, feels fresh each afternoon at noon.

Grams and Annie, my baby girl kittens, sleep against me as I write this. I am at peace today. The world is large and safe. I can dash from one door to the next, but often catch myself is a slow walk, heel toe, heel toe. Dear God, be with me. I will talk with the stranger on the elevator, wishing her a good day. I will go to bed with a clean mind and a heart filled with petals. The night will move on and I will again awaken to a new day. Grams and Annie purr.

Today is October 17, 2014. I am alive and well.

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I have been working on my second book. Still no title for it. I am 260 pages in. It feels good to be writing agin. After my break with Guy, I found myself unable to concentrate. What does it mean to find oneself, able or not able? Is it like finding oneself in the dark, trying to count change? My height at six feet allows me to see over a crowd. I find it freeing to have my head raised and visibility good. I am finding myself with sight and my ass in the chair, ready to write.

Loosing Guy was devastating. 14 years is a long time to be with someone, at least a long time for me. A quote from Marianne Williamson speaks to how I involve myself with Guy today; “Dear God, I place my past in Your hands. Please purify my thoughts about it. May I only remember the love I gave and the love that I received. May all else burn away in the alchemy of forgiveness.”

I have forgiven Guy because it was necessary for my spiritual development and relationship to God. I have also forgiven Guy because, much to the chagrin of many of my friends, I continue to want Guy in my life. We are friends. I believe our connection is something other worldly. Truly.

Having Guy in my life brings me peace. It’s like having an extra towel when stepping out of the bath. The smell of fresh soap clings to my skin in a good way. An unobtrusive way. I will see Mark later today. I know my love for Mark is possible because I learned to love Guy with absolutely all of me. Cliche to say. But cliches are good for some things, aren’t they? I remain blessed by love. I am like my kitten on the windowsill looking out at the world, knowing there is a place for everything. And as Grams does, I feel alive in my own skin, ready to walk a new path I imagine. The imaginings are good, are strong, are freeing.