My schizophrenia has kicked back in. It is a small child who needs my attention and grabs my hand. The voices are telling me to say very inappropriate things at work; things that would get me fired. I very much need my job. I’ve been with the library five years in October.
The small child is not of me, but is of other. She tugs at my hand so softly that no one else can see my hand move. No one else can see her. I do know this. I see her as a shadow and know in bright light she will be gone. And she is, she is gone when I pull the blinds in my study, allowing light to force its way upon me. Light forces its way upon me when there is something in my life I don’t want to look at.
I don’t want to look at the fact that I miss Guy. I want to keep him in my life forever, but from a distance. Who says a person can’t be friends with their ex? But Guy is more that just an ex. Do I want to have friends in my life who lie to me? The answer is no, but then I think, Guy is different. I am okay loving him even though he lies to me.
This line of thinking will not set well with my friends who want the best for me. For now, I bring an umbrella with me. The umbrella can only work for so long to shade me before light breaks through, and I act accordingly.
I am so sorry for your pain. You are alive and the pain is painful, because you are alive. But that doesnt make it feel good. Know that people care about you and wish you well and wellness. I will be thinking about you. Please take care, and let the good light in when you can.